This week: WWE went to Vegas, so it’s time to get out the Vegas cliché checklist. 1. Roulette wheel show. Check. 2. “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”. Check. 3. Somebody dresses up as Elvis. Check. 4. Aerial shots of Las Vegas. Check. 5. A wedding happens? Full house! Ahh, the most unpredictable city in the world, Las Vegas. Plus, Mr. Excitement becomes Mr. Intensity, I watched 100 episodes of NXT and all I got was this lousy episode of NXT, Foley’s return, Jericho’s jacket, Regal dancing, Brodus jiggling and the most sudden, unexplained heel turn of the year.
RAW SUPERSHOW
- Mick Foley came out to start Raw. He did a cheap pop for Disneyland and said as much as he enjoyed his nostalgic role late last year, because he’d lived out all his dreams in the ring. But, he had one more dream. He had two more kids, and he wanted them to see him compete one more time. So Foley announced he was going to be in the Royal Rumble. Vickie and Dolph interrupted. Ziggler said there were 30 precious spots in the Rumble and asked if Foley wanted to take the spot of someone who’d earned it all year, just to show off for his bratty kids. Foley said yes. Dolph asked if this was one of Foley’s stand-up comedy “bits”. Dolph made fun of him. Foley said who’s to say he wouldn’t get a late draw and there wouldn’t be magic in the air. He said he wasn’t in it just to participate, he’d be in it to win it. Dolph claimed he beat John Cena last week and he’d beat Punk two weeks in a row and said he couldn’t think of a bigger letdown, than winning the WWE Title and having to defend against a hasbeen like Foley. He told Foley it was over and to go away.
- Punk’s music hit and he came down. Punk got a cheap pop in. Dolph insinuated they both got their clothes from the same homeless person. Punk said he and Foley were alike, they didn’t hide behind a woman. And they both earned everything they got. Unlike Dolph. He promised that even with Laurinaitis, he’d still be WWE Champion at the Rumble, because he was the best wrestler in the world. Punk said it’d be cool if he faced Mick Foley at Wrestlemania. Laurinaitis came out as Vickie and Punk started arguing, saying he’d take Foley’s position in the Rumble under consideration. And then, about ten seconds later, he said no. A very quick considerer, Laurinaitis. Vickie cackled at Mick. This was great.
- WWE Tag Team Championship: Epico and Primo (c) d. Air Boom (Epico pinned Bourne) in 2:19. Epico and Primo won the title from Air Boom at a house show the previous night and this was Air Boom’s rematch. They showed the finish of the title change. Epico and Primo worked over Evan and Kof ran wild off the tag. Finish saw Kofi hit Trouble In Paradise and tag Evan for Air Bourne. But Primo took out Kofi and Epico hung up Bourne, then put him away with the Backstabber.
- In his office, Laurinaitis got an envelope from Otunga. Laurinaitis told someone that the main event would be a six man tag tonight and the camera panned back to reveal Chris Jericho. Jericho responded by turning out the light in the office and posing with his sparkly jacket.
- They revealed later the envelope was a doctor’s report on Zack Ryder, who was still hurt from the Kane attack. Josh asked Zack if he was medically cleared and he said no. Eve said Zack shouldn’t be competing, but Zack said if anyone thought he was going to forfeit his title, they were full of crap. Eve decided to accompany him.
- WWE United States Championship: Jack Swagger d. Zack Ryder (c) in 2:23. Zack had his ribs taped up, DDP style. Swagger immediately targetted the ribs. Zack hung in as long as he could and kicked out of two gutwrench powerbombs, but a third one was enough to finish him off. So Swagger is the new US Champion.
- Zack was checked on by trainers backstage. Laurinaitis came in and apologised, saying he’d only just read the report and shouldn’t have let him compete. Eve wasn’t happy, but Laurinaitis told her to shut her mouth and respect authority.
- Kelly Kelly and Alicia Fox d. The Bella Twins (Kelly pinned Nikki) in 0:58. Perez Hilton was the guest ring announcer. And focus of all the commentary. The Bellas tried to play TWIN MAGIC, but Perez pulled the illegal Bella out of the ring and Kelly was able to roll Nikki up for the win. The Bellas argued with Perez and shoved him down, but Kelly and Alicia warned them off.
- R-Truth came down to cut a promo, but before he could say anything Wade Barrett interrupted him. Wade had the nerve to suggest R-Truth wasn’t R-Truth’s real name and said he was going to win the 2012 Royal Rumble. He was thankful that “that old git” Mick Foley wasn’t involved. Wade said he’d heard Truth was in the Rumble. Truth said, on behalf of Little Jimmy, that Wade talked funny. He asked why he was mad. Truth talked about going to Disneyland and presented a slideshow of himself at Disneyland. Truth said that Pinocchio told him Wade was going to win the Rumble, which caused his nose to grow. Pinocchio’s nose, that is. Not Truth’s. That would have been impressive. Truth wasn’t sure if this was PG. Truth said he believed in talking mice and flying elephants, but he didn’t believe Wade would win the Rumble. Miz came out and attacked Truth from behind, leading to a two on one attack. Sheamus made the save and they cleared the ring. Teddy Long came out and made an over the top rope challenge to preview the Rumble. Truth is an amazing human being.
- Over The Top Rope Challenge: R-Truth d. The Miz, Sheamus and Wade Barrett in 4:11. It started out with the heels and faces pairing off in their current feuds. But when Truth and Sheamus had Wade in trouble, Miz helped out and all three eliminated him. Sheamus took Truth and Miz out with a double clothesline and it was every man for himself after that. Miz lowered the ropes as Sheamus went for a Brogue Kick, but Sheamus survived. Sheamus tried to eliminate Miz, but Truth came up from behind and tipped them both out to win. Sheamus laid Miz out with a Brogue Kick outside just for good measure.
- Cena showed up in Laurinaitis’s office, mad at what happened to Zack. Laurinaitis insisted he made a mistake. He made Cena versus Kane at the Rumble and Cena was fine with that. Laurinaitis also made Cena versus Swagger tonight.
- The match didn’t get underway, as Cena attacked Swagger before the bell. Cena beat Swagger all around ringside for hurting his new best friend. He threw Swagger’s head into the steps repeatedly, but Kane’s music hit before Cena could drop the steps on him. Kane, on the titantron, said he was impressed and by the time the Rumble rolled around, he will have embraced the hate. Cena realised what he’d done and looked remorseful.
- Brodus Clay d. JTG in 1:09. Brodus seemed to get a good reaction. Brodus jiggled and had some fun, until JTG punched him. Brodus responded by doing the old “look over there” trick and punching him in the jaw, which was a thing of beauty. He quickly finished JTG off with the crossbody. Best squash matches in years and years. Brodus and the girls danced in celebration. The crossbody is called “Ah, Funk It”, which is going to get someone in trouble one day.
- They did a recap video of Big Show running into AJ, which was great. Daniel Bryan came out for an update on AJ. He said Big Show wasn’t a loveable gentle giant like people thought, he was a “cruel, inhospitable freak”. He claimed AJ was traumatised and would never be the same. Bryan blamed Show, claiming it was intentional. He said Show didn’t apologise, he just cried like a “blithering idiot”. And they weren’t even real tears, he claimed. Bryan told Show to never show his face on Smackdown again, or he’d make him pay. Bryan said he had a title defence against Mark Henry this week and dedicated the match to AJ. This was great.
- Mark Henry, Dolph Ziggler and David Otunga d. Daniel Bryan, CM Punk and Chris Jericho by DQ in 11:18. Big reaction for Jericho coming out. He pandered to the crowd big time during his entrance and all through the commercial break. Despite the fact the heels made their entrance during the break. What a man. Punk and Dolph started. The heel team worked over Bryan’s knee. Fans chanted for Jericho. Bryan got the tag to Punk and Punk was cut off. After a flying elbow, Punk made the tag, to Jericho. Jericho came in to a big pop, fired himself up, played to the crowd. And then, he tagged Bryan and left, excited at what he’d done for some reason. Things turned into a handicap match with Jericho gone. Henry brawled off with Bryan to the back, leaving Punk two on one. But Foley came down, wanting to replace Jericho, claiming Laurinaitis had cleared it. Foley eventually tagged in and took it to Otunga, hitting the Double Arm DDT and bringing out Mr. Socko for the victory. Laurinaitis interjected after the match though, saying that he didn’t give Foley permission to be in the match and reversing the decision.
- Punk snatched the microphone and told Laurinaitis he wasn’t going to do anything about it. Punk told Laurinaitis to take his balls out of his purse and lay this out. He said Laurinaitis didn’t like him, because of who he was. He said as a sports entertainer Laurinaitis had the look but he sucked, unlike his brother Animal. And he said it ate him up inside that he never made it to WWE as a wrestler. He said Laurinaitis traded in for a suit and became a suck up. Punk said he achieved more in the last year than Laurinaitis did in his life. Punk said better men had tried and failed to screw him over. He claimed Laurinaitis couldn’t stand him out of jealousy, but it didn’t matter if he screwed him at the Rumble, because he’d still be better than him. And if he did screw him, he’d kick his ass. People chanted for Punk. Punk faked a punch and Laurinaitis flinched, so Punk called him pathetic and left. Laurinaitis looked mad and Foley gave him a jokey thumbs up. Laurinaitis insisted he was not pathetic and would not be intimidated. Foley told him to admit he was going to screw Punk at the Rumble and called him a kiss ass. Laurinaitis said damn right he’d screw Punk and ranted about being sick of being disrespected and bullied. He said he wouldn’t take it anymore and took Foley out with a microphone shot to the head. John Laurinaitis showing some fire. Show started and ended strong.
NXT 100TH EPISODE
- Since it was the 100th show, Michael Cole was introduced as the original voice of NXT. Talk about a downer.
- No Disqualifications: Titus O’Neil d. Darren Young in 5:08. Darren made Titus mad early and tried to run away, but ran into a big boot. Titus delivered a powerslam on the floor. Cole did some damn terrible commentary. Darren came back with a neckbreaker on the apron. Darren hit the double knee gutbuster, but Titus kicked out, to Darren’s shock. Neither commentator realised Titus kicked out of Darren’s finisher thanks to their bullshit. Titus got the win with the sky high.
- Afterwards, Titus thanked everybody. He then changed his tune all of a sudden, thanking them for “absolutely nothing”. He said for 46 weeks, he’d done the stupid challenges and put up with a leprechaun as his pro. And he waddled his fat ass over to Smackdown. Titus said he was the star of WWE and the crowd were deadweight. That was weird. And then Cole buried him anyway. Jesus.
- Percy Watson d. Heath Slater in 3:40. At this point I hit mute. Heath looked good for a while, but after spending time arguing with the referee he allowed Percy to fight back. Percy hit a fireman’s carry into a flapjack for the pin.
- Maxine was getting ready backstage and bumped into The Usos. She got mad at them. One of the Usos sneezed on the dress and she got, well, even madder at them.
- Still angry after the break, Curtis tried to calm Maxine down and she stormed off, bumping into Kaitlyn. Curtis said he hadn’t had a proper batchelor party and invited her to “get weird” for a few minutes. She did not want to get weird with Dirty Curty.
- Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks d. Yoshi Tatsu and Trent Barreta (Reks pinned Trent) in 5:45. Hawkins and Reks have matching new gear. They cut off Yoshi and worked him over for a while. Yoshi got the tag to Trent who ran wild and hit the whisper in the wind. Things broke down and Hawkins and used his cane on Barreta, allowing Reks to put him away.
- The Curtis-Maxine wedding ended the show. Matt Striker came out dressed as Elvis. I unhit mute here, fwiw. This is the kind of stuff that needs the Cole treatment, not the rest. Striker did an Elvis impersonation. This was indescribable. Curtis, in a tuxedo shirt and leather jacket, had his best man with him who seemed overwhelmed. Maxine wanted to know who it was and Curtis insisted he was legit. The guy said he was promised he’d meet Hillbilly Jim. Striker sung the vows. Cole could take no more and neither could the crowd. Everybody voiced their objection, as is customary with wrestling weddings. As is customary, apparently screaming crowds don’t count as objections. Bateman came out to object. He got into an arguement with Curtis. He had security camera footage of Curtis sending the e-mail to Teddy via Bateman’s iPad. Curtis tried to convince Maxine to marry him anyway, but Maxine slapped him. Bateman and Curtis fought and Maxine fishhooked Curtis, allowing Bateman to hit the side headlock driver. Bateman and Maxine kissed. Cole was appalled at wasting an hour of his life. I have no words for this. Except that I guess it’s fitting, in a way, that NXT’s 100th episode would be a trainwreck of this kind.
SUPERSTARS
- Tamina d. Natalya in 5:23. Tamina is channeling Jimmy Snuka more and more. She also has new music. Natalya fared better than she has in past weeks and got the leg submission applied, but Tamina wouldn’t quit. And Tamina made a comeback, before getting a close fall reversing the Sharpshooter into a rollup. Natalya managed to cut Tamina off on the top rope, but Tamina fought her off and hit the superfly splash.
- Santino Marella and Mason Ryan d. Curt Hawkins and Tyler Reks (Santino pinned Hawkins) in 6:18. Neither Hawkins nor Reks fared too well with Mason, Hawkins pressed over the top onto Reks by the big Welshman. But Reks was able to cut Santino off. Mason eventually got the tag and dealt with both opponents, before letting Santino back in to finish Hawkins with the Cobra.
- Jinder Mahal d. Alex Riley by submission in 3:22. Riley looked strong early, but it didn’t last long before Jinder slowed things down. Riley did fight back briefly and went for the Final Score. But Jinder escaped and soon had Riley trapped in the 1980s camel clutch.
SIN CITY SMACKDOWN
- Things started with Daniel Bryan coming out. Bryan claimed what Big Show did to AJ was a sin. He insisted again it wasn’t an accident and that Big Show wasn’t really sorry. He called Show bitter, because he had the shortest World Title reign in history. Bryan said AJ’s career might be over. He claimed she insisted on being at ringside, because she loves him. “And I have a great admiration for her as well”. He said AJ would be there in spirit against Mark Henry. Bryan said he wasn’t afraid of Henry, just like he wasn’t afraid of Big Show. He said Show wasn’t there, which is good, because he wouldn’t be held responsible for what happened to him. He told Show to do the decent thing and quit.
- Santino, Hornswoggle, Alicia and Zeke were playing casino games backstage. Teddy flirted with Aksana and asked her to spin the roulette wheel, since they were in Vegas and all. Cody walked in and talked bad about Goldust. He spun the wheel and it landed on Player’s Choice. Cody got to pick his opponent, so he chose Hornswoggle.
- Cody Rhodes d. Justin Gabriel in 3:43. Cody shoved Hornswoggle down before he could even get in the ring and started kicking him, so Justin Gabriel hit the ring for the save. Gabriel challenged Cody to face him instead and Cody accepted, but insisted it was non-title. As Gabriel went for the 450, Cody rolled away. And after surviving some pin attempts, Cody hung Gabriel up and put Gabriel away with Crossrhodes.
- Backstage, Teddy wanted Mark Henry to spin the wheel. Henry wasn’t down with the Sin City Smackdown concept and told Teddy to spin it instead. It landed on Lumberjack Match. Henry was okay with that and said Bryan would enter the Hall Of Pain tonight.
- Tag Team Tornado Match: Epico and Primo d. The Usos (Primo pinned Jey) in 2:43. All four men were legal, meaning it was action from the start. The V2 Colons managed to isolate Jimmy by throwing Jey outside, setting up a two on one. Jey returned and the Usos took over. A distraction from Rosa lead to Jey being taken out. Jimmy hit the superfly splash, but Primo broke it up and hit the Backstabber to pick up another win for the new champions.
- Sheamus interrupted Teddy and Aksana’s latest innuendo and Aksana spun the wheel, setting up a Tables Match.
- Dance Off: Brodus Clay d. Vickie Guerrero. Vickie’s dancing was less than conventional. Brodus and his girls danced, which seems like an unfair advantage for Brodus to me. But Brodus won in a landslide. Brodus seemed delighted. Vickie was enraged and danced again to try and prove she was better. William Regal interrupted, telling everyone not to laugh at Vickie, calling her a “poor, unfortunate lady” and a “buxom wench”. Regal comforted Vickie and they went to leave, but Brodus challenged Regal to show what he had. Regal didn’t take kindly to being called a “funky chicken” and got back in to dance. He was good. Then Brodus gave him the crossbody. Boo! But then he said “My bad!” and everybody seemed to forgive him.
- Tables Match: Wade Barrett d. Sheamus in 6:51. A brawl, here. Barrett tried to put Sheamus through by booting him off the apron, but Sheamus landed on the apron. Sheamus then blocked a suplex and fought back with his forearms, before knocking Wade off the apron, over a table but not through. In the end, Sheamus went for the Celtic Cross, but Jinder Mahal ran out to provide a distraction. Which allowed Barrett to slip free and toss Sheamus through the table. Jinder tried to put Sheamus through another table afterwards, but Sheamus hit a Brogue Kick and then drove him through the table instead.
- Flag Match: Ted Dibiase d. Hunico in 2:23. While they set up the flags they showed a Dibiase inset promo, saying after he beat Hunico, he and Camacho could have their own pity party. Dibiase shoved Hunico off the top into Camacho and was able to hit Dreamstreet before grabbing the flag. USA! USA!
- Back at the wheel, Teddy fired Drew. Santino asked him to reconsider, because he wanted to prove his win over Drew wasn’t a fluke. They decided to let Drew have one more match with Santino, for one more chance. The wheel landed on a Blindfold Match and Drew was happy.
- Blindfold Match: Santino Marella d. Drew McIntyre in 2:10. Santino put a blindfold on the Cobra as well. They had a blindfold match. A spear sent both men outside and Drew accidentally clotheslined the ring post, thinking it was Santino. Drew, the heel, lifted his blindfold while the ref wasn’t looking, but missed his running boot as Santino ducked to pick up the Cobra blindfold and went crashing over the top. Drew rolled back in and Santino used the crowd noise to find Drew for the Cobra. Poor Drew.
- World Championship, Lumberjack Match: Daniel Bryan (c) and Mark Henry went to a no contest. Bryan warned the lumberjacks early on not to touch him from the apron. He then shoved Tyler Reks and told another side of guys not to touch him either. Henry dominated the match. People chanted “Sexual Chocolate” which is becoming way too common. Despite his loss, Drew was one of the lumberjacks for some reason. Bryan was able to get some offense in, but Henry kicked out with authority. As Henry looked to have things well in hand, Bryan raked the eyes while in a gorilla press, which forced Henry to throw him over the top onto the lumberjacks. Bryan started a brawl with the lumberjacks and when Henry ended up outside, Bryan started kicking them, which provoked the lumberjacks into attacking Bryan in the ring. Henry started throwing everybody aside in an effort to get to Bryan and everybody attacked Henry, causing the match to be thrown out. All of the lumberjacks brawled, allowing Daniel Bryan to crawl away. Bryan left with the belt and a smile on his face, as the brawl continued in a preview of the Royal Rumble. So, Bryan weaseled his way out, but due to his own scheming and not just luck. I can live with that.
- Teddy caught up with Bryan backstage. Teddy asked what he was doing. Bryan complained about what happened to Teddy, so Teddy put him in a triple threat, steel cage match with Mark Henry and Big Show at the Rumble.
